When I start working with a couple, I cringe a little when I hear them say, "Divorce isn't an option for us". First off, it's usually not true. In every demographic, we know of couples that, despite expectations or personal declarations, have gone their separate ways. More importantly, assuming that divorce couldn't happen to you is counterproductive to cultivating relationships worthy of your time, life, and love.
Commitment is not synonymous with enduring suffering or sticking to a relationship at all costs. Instead, it's conscious choices made every day, in large and small ways. Taking care of yourself, investing in personal and collective goals, learning how to speak the other's love language, being willing to express vulnerability and have difficult conversations in hopes of finding a path to the other side. It's taking time for introspection, dealing with your baggage, and working towards self-acceptance. It's working to create space for your partner to be their most authentic self, even when it brings discomfort and activates your sensitivities. It's making time to have fun together! I could go on, but you get the gist.
If you're convinced divorce wouldn't happen to you, it's easy to become complacent and not put in the work required to thrive. Simply put, when divorce isn't an option, people get lazy in their relationships.
It's far more advantageous to know that, in reality, any marriage can end. And if that's not what you want, invest in the work of commitment. This approach is far more likely to cultivate a relationship that both partners have a deep and enduring desire to maintain.
The argument I often hear against this approach is that acknowledging a marriage could end creates too much anxiety and insecurity for one or both partners. The fear of heartbreak and loss is overwhelming, and they worry it will undermine attempts to improve their relationship. And this makes sense too. I know that I'd be beyond devastated if my marriage ended. I understand the desire to protect oneself from such incredible loss.
But embracing this risk, and opening ourselves up to loss is the deal we sign up for when we create a life with someone. And any relationship worth being a part of is gonna hurt like hell if it ends. Even still, I'm convinced that deep love and commitment are worth the risk.
So although it can be incredibly uncomfortable to acknowledge that a divorce is always an option, I encourage you to let it be the fuel that drives your commitment. Breathe through the anxiety and allow your desire for your partner to give life to a beautiful partnership.